Day 365+:Growing Up Hurts

     So by now I'm 21, and we've all figured out that I'm not good at blogging...yet. I doubt anybody will actually read this anymore, and I don't blame them. We all have seen people come up with these strategies to find God's will or live their Christian life better, and inside we are hoping that they'll succeed and discover some secret we might use to simplify our own lives. And then, predictably, they fail, and we all say that it's really a shame. But we all know that there's no secret ingredient or "easy as 1-2-3" instructions for life and especially for our understanding of God.
     Although I didn't accomplish what I intended to on this blog or in my walk with God this year, I still think that every story, including this one, needs an ending; and just because I quit writing does not mean that God wasn't giving me plenty of inspiration. In fact, here's a run-down of some important things I've failed to mention in the last 12 months:

• Four of my friends crashed a car headlong into a tree at high speed. The coroner was called to the scene immediately. He said that they shouldn't be alive, but they are.
• My grandfather died of Alzheimer's. Grandma prayed for only two things during this time: that he wouldn't suffer and that she could be with him when he went so that he would know how much she still loved him. Both of her prayers were answered.
• For the first time I became so angry with someone that I didn't want to forgive them. I stayed angry for a month. I was finally able to forgive this person and let go of my personal anger, but I haven't let go of the righteous anger I feel when this person continues to sin and offend others. I learned a lot about anger this year.
• I started teaching kids. My sister and I have been teaching preschoolers on Sunday mornings, and now I'm co-teaching a 3rd-4th grade small group on Wednesday nights as well as substituting for other teachers. It's been very fulfilling, and I'm beginning to see fruit.
• A friend I've been praying for got released from prison.
•  I learned to screen print.
•  I went whitewater rafting for the first time.
•  I made some new friends.
•  I found out I'm eligible for a scholarship (which I still haven't gotten because I haven't done all the bologna I'm having to do to get it).
•  And probably grew up more than I have in the last three years put together.

     God has taught me so much, and I really feel like a more substantial person. It's like I've put on some muscle but on the inside of my soul instead of my body. Growing up still hurts, though, and a little extra muscle doesn't take away the insecurities and circumstances that cause us pain and fear. Looking back, my own coming of age story could easily be described as...foolish...delinquent...even pathetic.
     Somewhere along the line I stopped listening (never a good thing). I told God that He could do whatever He wanted with my life; but I got impatient and couldn't let go of my own ambition. Over the last three or four years I've spent so much time and energy fighting to hold on to these little dreams because I was afraid of having none - no point, no purpose to aspire to. It was a tortuously slow process, involving bouts of frustration, discouragement, and depression, realizing how ridiculously far I'd gotten from what I knew was the truth - that I would never be happy, having experienced the love and joy of Jesus, with merely accomplishing my own ambitions. Not when I know what His are. It has been and still is a long up-hill climb out of that rut. I'm dealing with all the bad habits I formed, the lies I believed (Satan definitely got a foothold), the hurts and fears that got me here in the first place. If this is growing up, it hurts more than I ever imagined. But I've finally been hurt and tired enough to want to change, want to believe in God's plan, want to be ok with not knowing what will come next. And for now, it's sorting through the mess and learning how to live all over again (or perhaps for the first time) by God's Spirit not mine...with a life that I didn't expect and future that's not really mine to own. But I'm ok with that now. Really. As long as I get Jesus in the end.

Day 99: A Sunday with Screwtape

`     I love The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis. It's one of the most insightful books I've ever read. I rarely read a book more than once, twice if I got bored one afternoon, but this book is one of my exceptions. My mom loves it too, and we recently bought a copy of a radio drama based on the book and read by Andy Serkis (who did an excellent job, I might add). For those who don't know, The Screwtape Letters is a series of fictional letters written by a demon named Screwtape to his nephew Wormwood, who is trying to tempt a young man in WWII era England. The schemes that Screwtape recommends are so true and devious, you'll find your jaw dropping before you can say "Gotcha!" because you know you've fallen for exactly that sort of lie.
     Anyways, we were listening to the radio drama this morning, and once again I was amazed at how quickly my faith can be rendered innocuous. It's appalling and discouraging how quickly I can forget the important things - things like the truths God has recently revealed to me, where the battle truly lies, the promises God has made to me and the ones I've made to myself. How easily I can be lulled asleep - into a sort of spiritual sleepwalking or coma. Sometimes I even put myself there; I don't need Satin's help to do it! It's one of the reasons I started this blog, so that I might spend some time trying to put things in perspective, focus on the right things - the right Person. However, blogging, even blogging about Christ, can be turned into a vice because it's essentially materialistic. My hope is in God. Only He can bring truth into my heart and help me see the world as it truly is, as He sees it.

*From the list: Leonids.
Yesterday I talked about meteors. Well, back in November I was reading about the Leonid meteor shower that would take place that month, and I found something amazing. Meteor showers are named after the constellation from which they appear to fall. The mid-November shower is named after Leo, the constellation of the lion. Every 33 years the Leonid meteor shower peaks and produces a meteor storm (thousands of meteors per hour instead of the normal 50-100 meteors per hour). It is one of the most anticipated and most popular events for amateur and professional astronomers alike. The Bible describes another Lion who lived for 33 years. Revelation 5:5 refers to Jesus as the Lion of Judah. Throughout chapter 5 He is worshiped and declared worthy to open the scroll that will unleash God's judgment on the earth. It seems fitting to me that the one who is truly pure and righteous and has defeated both evil and death is the only one in the universe who is given the right to deal out God's judgment. Every 33 years meteors rain down from the lion reminding us of the Lion who pours out on us His saving blood, blessings through the Spirit, and eventually the wrath of God on the wicked.

Day 98: Busted.

      The last couple months have been pretty crazy. But I make no excuses. I let things slide. I have fallen behind in my Bible reading over the holidays, and some days I forgot to look for my Savior to show up. But I'm getting back on track now. I have been keeping a list of places God has been showing up over the last couple months. So for a few weeks, I'll post two God-sightings a day - one from that day and one from my list. So, here goes...

Thank you prayer for new outlook on life...or perhaps an old one welcomed back:


     Lord, thank you for this awakening. Even though it brings fear...and pain...this truth is sweeter to me, sweeter than all the vain hopes and fleeting moments in pursuit of optimism and fervor. This truth I know is real, not a wish-to or hope-for. This truth is Yours bringing love and purpose to me again, and this pain heals my faith. My soul wearied by heavy burdens feels them transforming into burdens of a different kind. You have brought Your love and truth to me. And Praise You! You have brought this truth, this freedom to my family as well. You have stirred their souls, and they have cried tears of relief and renewal and resolve. Thank you for this blessing of faith. Do not let us falter or turn astray. Keep us following Your voice. Let us praise You and touch others with this vision. I pray that their hearts would be awakened to Your truth, that they would find this freeedom and acceptance and fulfillment in You as well.


*From the list: Meteors.
I love astronomy. It's one of my hobbies. Sometimes, though, I cannot grasp what I read or see in a picture. I'm not a theoretical physicist, so sometimes the numbers get lost on me. What I love about meteors, though, is that they are one of a select few phenomena that I can actually see happen. I can watch them shoot into the atmosphere shredding through molecules and glowing insanely as they incinerate into dust. Then I can grasp it. I can see the speed, the energy, the extreme temperatures; I can see the power not just an image...it takes my breath away. I love seeing things in nature that illustrate God's power. To know that He posses all this power (He created it) and more even beyond the physical realm, is so mind-boggling.

Day 11: Prayers

     Today we were praying for Grandpa's surgery to go well. It did and I thank God for that. I was really afraid that his Alzheimer's would make it difficult for him to cope with. I'm still hit or miss with my prayers. I need set up a better routine and be disciplined. There are so many people and things that I should be praying for. I need to do much better at conversing with my Father. Still praying that I won't get sick.

Day 10: Family

    Once again, I'm thankful for my family.  My sister is sick. My aunt is sick. My mom is spending tonight and tomorrow at my grandma's so that she can be there tomorrow for Grandpa's surgery. My other sister and Dad and I went to my other grandma's house for dinner because it's Dad's birthday. Somehow, we all get along and take care of each other. I'm so tired. I'm hoping that I don't get sick next. I'm so glad that even when things get rough I can still have fun with and take care of my family. Thank you, God, so much. Now I'm going to bed.

Day 9: Gotta keep looking

     I haven't seen God yet today. I had a good day. I helped Caitlin finish the Quantum Flier and helped Mom do some work. I just haven't stopped to look at my Creator yet today. So, I will be going to do that now.

Day 8: Loving my family

     My family has been under quite a bit of stress lately. Combine that with staying up late watcing feel-good movies for escapism, and, needless to say, everyone is a little testy. It's been bothering me. Today was the same old stuff. But later my sisters and I had fun building a Quantum Flier 2037, and watched the Spiderwick Chronicles. After seeing that family, mine isn't so bad. I really am thankful for my family. I just don't like dealing with their issues sometimes - usually when I am equally tired and overstressed.
     Lord, Thank you for my family. Please help me to love them like You do. I don't like being upset and annoyed with them. I know it's not right, but I can't help it. It's my old self talking, and I don't like feeling that way. Help me to love with the love that only You can teach me, so that I don't give into my old self. Thank You for giving me a family that I can learn to love and be a part of.