Although I didn't accomplish what I intended to on this blog or in my walk with God this year, I still think that every story, including this one, needs an ending; and just because I quit writing does not mean that God wasn't giving me plenty of inspiration. In fact, here's a run-down of some important things I've failed to mention in the last 12 months:
- Four of my friends crashed a car headlong into a tree at high speed. The coroner was called to the scene immediately. He said that they shouldn't be alive, but they are.
- My grandfather died of Alzheimer's. Grandma prayed for only two things during this time: that he wouldn't suffer and that she could be with him when he went so that he would know how much she still loved him. Both of her prayers were answered.
- For the first time I became so angry with someone that I didn't want to forgive them. I stayed angry for a month. I was finally able to forgive this person and let go of my personal anger, but I haven't let go of the righteous anger I feel when this person continues to sin and offend others. I learned a lot about anger this year.
- I started teaching kids. My sister and I have been teaching preschoolers on Sunday mornings, and now I'm co-teaching a 3rd-4th grade small group on Wednesday nights as well as substituting for other teachers. It's been very fulfilling, and I'm beginning to see fruit.
- A friend I've been praying for got released from prison.
- I learned to screen print.
- I went whitewater rafting for the first time.
- I made some new friends.
- I found out I'm eligible for a scholarship (which I still haven't gotten because I haven't done all the bologna I'm having to do to get it).
- And probably grew up more than I have in the last three years put together.
Somewhere along the line I stopped listening (never a good thing). I told God that He could do whatever He wanted with my life; but I got impatient and couldn't let go of my own ambition. Over the last three or four years I've spent so much time and energy fighting to hold on to these little dreams because I was afraid of having none - no point, no purpose to aspire to. It was a tortuously slow process, involving bouts of frustration, discouragement, and depression, realizing how ridiculously far I'd gotten from what I knew was the truth - that I would never be happy, having experienced the love and joy of Jesus, with merely accomplishing my own ambitions. Not when I know what His are. It has been and still is a long up-hill climb out of that rut. I'm dealing with all the bad habits I formed, the lies I believed (Satan definitely got a foothold), the hurts and fears that got me here in the first place. If this is growing up, it hurts more than I ever imagined. But I've finally been hurt and tired enough to want to change, want to believe in God's plan, want to be ok with not knowing what will come next. And for now, it's sorting through the mess and learning how to live all over again (or perhaps for the first time) by God's Spirit not mine...with a life that I didn't expect and future that's not really mine to own. But I'm ok with that now. Really. As long as I get Jesus in the end.
